My Dearest Daughter,
The tears won’t stop rolling down my eyes for both joy and sorrow. Joy for the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness, and sorrow for the overwhelming feeling of fear of reality.
I find joy in seeing your smiles, your cute little antics, and hearing your little screams. I find joy in realizing how much you have grown into a healthy toddler – so active and so cheerful. I find joy in seeing you read your books and point at various objects and colors at a very young age. I find joy in watching you bring sunshine and happiness to your grandparents, to your godparents, and to other people around you. I find joy in knowing you need me and you want to be with me all the time.
I also feel sorrow, my darling, sorrow, which masks my fears. I’m afraid to see you fall whenever you try to walk but I know you need independence. I’m afraid to lose sight of you when I leave but I know I must be productive. I’m afraid of not being able to save enough money to send you to good schools and buy you everything you need. I’m afraid of the liberated lifestyle, violence around, and even global warming because I worry about the quality of life you will have, when you still have a lot of years to live.
Today, you turn one year old. You are still a baby, but no longer that fragile. You are still so tiny, but no longer that weak. You still can’t speak a lot of words but I know you understand me. You still can’t run, but your movements express your desire to see the world. With all of these, I am grateful, I am proud, and yet I am also worried. Maybe a mother is really meant to have these in her heart all the time– UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and UNENDING ANXIETY.
I am but human and I apologize for the times I have felt distress over being a mother. My feeling was never towards you. I will never feel ill about you. Sometimes, I just feel the weight of how my life has changed ever since I had you. Sometimes I feel pain, boredom, fatigue, and sometimes I also want to feel special again. And honestly, since you came into my life, I never really wanted anything for myself anymore. You are always my priority. I rarely have time for myself and I am not able to do the things I used to do. My life has turned a total 360 degrees. But you know what, every time I think about you, my sweet child, YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Now that you are a year old, I realized how fast you grew. It was too fast. Time was fleeting and all of a sudden my days with you feels numbered already. Before I know it, you’ll turn into a teenager who does not want to be bothered. Before I know it, you will have your own family. Before I know it, our time together will be over. And the thought of it alone, breaks my heart in a million pieces.
My sweet child, if only you knew how much I love you. I never thought that a self centered, impulsive, impatient woman like me would ever experience such a change of heart. I am not prefect but I want to be. You truly inspire me to better everyday. You make me want to change the world in my own little ways. You make me want to live a hundred years so I can be with you and take care of you for as long as I can. You make me want to be closer to God because I know He is the only one I can entrust you with (aside from your Father). You make me feel like I am a totally different person now…and I am…I am a MOTHER. I am YOUR mother.
I am yours to call Mama or any name you want. I am yours to wake up even in the middle of the night. I am yours to cry on, to feed on, to sleep on, to vomit on, to piggyback ride on. I am yours to tickle, to pinch, to kick, to hug, to kiss. I am yours to wipe your sweat, to wash your feet, and to tuck you in. I am yours to laugh with, to cry with, to jump with, to eat with, to go places with. I am yours in anything and everything you can think of. At least until you want me to. I am yours but you are not mine. You are a child of God and you belong to Him and to this world. But for now, please let me call you mine. My baby. My sweet little ray of sunshine.
I will always be in love with you my child. I will always carry you in my arms for as long as I can. Happy first birthday! I love you.
Loving You Always,